Heylo lovely mum!!
God I miss you, I hate how much I still do, just woke up from the most mundane dream of planning your birthday meal with you over Facebook chat (through dads Facebook obviously) and it's just horrible. I loved doing that with you.
Things are going well, I passed my MA!!!!!!!!!! So proud, I know you would be amazingly proud!! I never even used those extenuating circumstances we talked about, I just did it. It was hard and challenging but I got there, I can't believe I did!!!
I think I already told you I'm pregnant, I've had a million conversations with you in my head about it anyway!!! It's going fine, I had a scan at 6 weeks because I was bleeding but everything was fine, dads found my cot for me, I can't believe you kept it all this time. Thank you. grandma S has been irritating, after being asked to tell no one i found out she told Jean with the red lips, Anne (?) and sone woman who makes cakes and gran p, who told all the pickups and quirks who are lovely but I would have preferred didn't know!!
Dads still going on about money all the time, I said I didn't understand how Sue had earned 25% of the house, I don't to be honest but what can I do, it's up to him.
PJ's not doing great, Claire still lives up here and he's not the happiest, he's doing fine but he just loves her and wants her back!!
Oh mum, everything would just be a bit better if you hadn't died, I love you millions and billions!!!xxxxxxx
Monday, October 10, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
2 years
Hello,
So it's been 2 years since you left us. It's gone quickly and slowly at the same time. Still miss you more than ever, so much has happened that you should have been here to share, so much that we needed your advice for and your guidance. We've managed though, we always will. Things are good here, I'm fine, being pregnant is weird but wonderful, can't wait to be a mum like you.
I'm going to go to your stone today i think, although I realise you would probably prefer us to remember you in any way other than crying at a rock for you. Therese said that's because your not really there, she's right but your not really anywhere...I love you.
Miss you.
Jen.xxxxx
So it's been 2 years since you left us. It's gone quickly and slowly at the same time. Still miss you more than ever, so much has happened that you should have been here to share, so much that we needed your advice for and your guidance. We've managed though, we always will. Things are good here, I'm fine, being pregnant is weird but wonderful, can't wait to be a mum like you.
I'm going to go to your stone today i think, although I realise you would probably prefer us to remember you in any way other than crying at a rock for you. Therese said that's because your not really there, she's right but your not really anywhere...I love you.
Miss you.
Jen.xxxxx
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Big news
Hey mum,
Hope your ok, well I'm sure you already know but I'm pregnant!! I'm quite terrified, I dread to think what you would say if you were here!!I am happy and I adore Jam, he is soooo happy about it. I've to,d work and stuff, dad didn't really know what to say, and sue sent me a really sweet text. Gran didn't seem very excited, i don't know if it had sank in, it hasn't with me. Its very surreal and I haven't got my head round the idea of a little baby living with me and depending on me and everything!! This is it now, forever!!
Eeeep, mum, I'm scared, j hope I can cope, I'm sure I can. I need to not be a drama and just take it all in my stride!
I love you millions, hope your happy.
Xxx
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Hope your ok, well I'm sure you already know but I'm pregnant!! I'm quite terrified, I dread to think what you would say if you were here!!I am happy and I adore Jam, he is soooo happy about it. I've to,d work and stuff, dad didn't really know what to say, and sue sent me a really sweet text. Gran didn't seem very excited, i don't know if it had sank in, it hasn't with me. Its very surreal and I haven't got my head round the idea of a little baby living with me and depending on me and everything!! This is it now, forever!!
Eeeep, mum, I'm scared, j hope I can cope, I'm sure I can. I need to not be a drama and just take it all in my stride!
I love you millions, hope your happy.
Xxx
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Sunday, September 4, 2011
Hey
Heylo,
Hope your ok.
I'm fed up, it's stupid I'm sure but I'm quite fed up of my lack of friends. the stupid Leyland 6 are always together. I can't be bothered with them, they are so bitchy and backstabby but at least they have each other. I only seem to have amanda and James and rick. And to be honest I don't want to do anything anyway, I just want to sit in the house and curl up, I'm really down, I thunk it's partly to do with you, partly to do with being burgled and partly because I'm mainly a loser.
Probably just having an off day, had a fight with jam, all my fault obviously and I just feel a bit unhappy!!
Everything really is good, I am pretty happy, work is going well and jam is (normally) wonderful.
I miss you, more than anything you are wonderful and I think you going has affected me more than I ever want to say :(
Love you millions.xxxx
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Hope your ok.
I'm fed up, it's stupid I'm sure but I'm quite fed up of my lack of friends. the stupid Leyland 6 are always together. I can't be bothered with them, they are so bitchy and backstabby but at least they have each other. I only seem to have amanda and James and rick. And to be honest I don't want to do anything anyway, I just want to sit in the house and curl up, I'm really down, I thunk it's partly to do with you, partly to do with being burgled and partly because I'm mainly a loser.
Probably just having an off day, had a fight with jam, all my fault obviously and I just feel a bit unhappy!!
Everything really is good, I am pretty happy, work is going well and jam is (normally) wonderful.
I miss you, more than anything you are wonderful and I think you going has affected me more than I ever want to say :(
Love you millions.xxxx
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Sunday, August 14, 2011
Glasses!!
Morning mum,
Hope your ok.
I bought new glasses, I pick them up tomorrow :) I got black ones and blue ones (woop for buy one get one free at specsavers). I think you would like them, I didn't want to choose them without you :( rick helped me in the end. More annoyed I have to pay for them myself though really lol!! It's weird, I'm getting to the end of all the 'first' things I have to do without you, obviously there is still baby stuff though. I don't know whether I'm happy or sad about it, it just means you have been gone longer but I'm glad I can actually do all the stuff I was terrified to do, like choosing glasses or going to DUK or buying mascara. They probably seem really insignificant to other people but it's stuff I was banking on having you around for, at least for a bit longer.
Had amanda and Chris over last night, me and amanda can talk for hours an the boys wanted to go to bed, it's nice having friends like that, they make me happy :) Chris is cool, he can email me now for a lift and stuff, it's likewe are proper friends, I told amanda about the 'my kids not having any relatives so let's talk to clare' situation and she said that they will have aunty amanda and uncle Chris and C and Phil said the same as did Rick and Jordan, although I don't think rick will know what to do. Lol.
Lots to tell you but I'm off on a bike ride so I'll write later.
Love you millions.
Xxxxx
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Hope your ok.
I bought new glasses, I pick them up tomorrow :) I got black ones and blue ones (woop for buy one get one free at specsavers). I think you would like them, I didn't want to choose them without you :( rick helped me in the end. More annoyed I have to pay for them myself though really lol!! It's weird, I'm getting to the end of all the 'first' things I have to do without you, obviously there is still baby stuff though. I don't know whether I'm happy or sad about it, it just means you have been gone longer but I'm glad I can actually do all the stuff I was terrified to do, like choosing glasses or going to DUK or buying mascara. They probably seem really insignificant to other people but it's stuff I was banking on having you around for, at least for a bit longer.
Had amanda and Chris over last night, me and amanda can talk for hours an the boys wanted to go to bed, it's nice having friends like that, they make me happy :) Chris is cool, he can email me now for a lift and stuff, it's likewe are proper friends, I told amanda about the 'my kids not having any relatives so let's talk to clare' situation and she said that they will have aunty amanda and uncle Chris and C and Phil said the same as did Rick and Jordan, although I don't think rick will know what to do. Lol.
Lots to tell you but I'm off on a bike ride so I'll write later.
Love you millions.
Xxxxx
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Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Night before...
I wrote this on 31st May but couldnt publish it :(
Hey mum,
Hope your ok.
I'm writing from James mums spare room in cyprus. Tomorrow I get married and become Jenny Lamb.
I am so happy and so excited about it, the only thing stopping me being totally happy is that your not here. It's horrible doing these things without you. If I'm honest I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I have been awful to Jam. But more than that I killed you. I know you would have been better if I didn't upset you so much, jam says it's the cancer that killed you and he's probably right but you would have been here for longer if I didn't make you stressed. I know you would say I'm being silly and that your proud of me and you love me millions but we both know I could have been a better daughter and a better girlfriend, I want you to know that I am sorry, I know you wouldn't approve of me doing it this way but I couldn't have planned it without you, I wish dad was here but I couldn't have asked him to be. Plus he is a bit wrapped up in stuff. Gran is being awesome.
I think I need to sort myself out, I need to accept that I could have been a better daughter and girlfriend but I can be the best wife and mother. I can be as good as you as a mother, I know I can. I will think about you the whole time, what would you have done or said. I'm turning into more like you now mum, I'm a workaholic and I care about the same things as you, you were better looking and more fashionable and better at your job and everything but I am no going to try and live in your shadow anymore, I don't need to live up to you, I couldn't if I wanted to but I can be my own happy person who deserves happiness and excitement . Grandad said Jam is a 'grand lad' praise indeed!! I know you would love the man he is now, I'm proud as hell to be marrying him, and he seems so surprised I am marrying him, I don't really get that though.
I wish you were going to be there tomorrow, Outshining Linda in every way but your not, I can't change that but I hope you are there really. I hope you are looking at me and watching me and thinking I look nice, I think you would like the outfit, I do. Its not over the top. And I hope you don't mind Vicky gave me the horseshoe you gave her on her wedding day to me, I can think it is from you, I know you would have bought one.
Mum, I can't accept you are gone, all the bad feelings I feel about everything are distractions so I don't have to deal with the incredible guilt I feel about you dying. I miss you more than I can ever write, and you will be in my mind all day tomorrow and for the rest of my life. But I am saying goodbye to you as Jenny Pickup, don't think that means I will ever forget that I am a Pickup and a Skilbeck but it's time for me to be me, To be Jenny Lamb and let myself be all the things I want and know I can be. I hope your not to disappointed, I am going to believe your not, that your happy and that you wish it was you making bucks fizz for breakfast and telling me how beautiful I look. I will imagine you are.
I love you mum, more than anything in the world.
Love you millions. xxxxxxxx
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Hey mum,
Hope your ok.
I'm writing from James mums spare room in cyprus. Tomorrow I get married and become Jenny Lamb.
I am so happy and so excited about it, the only thing stopping me being totally happy is that your not here. It's horrible doing these things without you. If I'm honest I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I have been awful to Jam. But more than that I killed you. I know you would have been better if I didn't upset you so much, jam says it's the cancer that killed you and he's probably right but you would have been here for longer if I didn't make you stressed. I know you would say I'm being silly and that your proud of me and you love me millions but we both know I could have been a better daughter and a better girlfriend, I want you to know that I am sorry, I know you wouldn't approve of me doing it this way but I couldn't have planned it without you, I wish dad was here but I couldn't have asked him to be. Plus he is a bit wrapped up in stuff. Gran is being awesome.
I think I need to sort myself out, I need to accept that I could have been a better daughter and girlfriend but I can be the best wife and mother. I can be as good as you as a mother, I know I can. I will think about you the whole time, what would you have done or said. I'm turning into more like you now mum, I'm a workaholic and I care about the same things as you, you were better looking and more fashionable and better at your job and everything but I am no going to try and live in your shadow anymore, I don't need to live up to you, I couldn't if I wanted to but I can be my own happy person who deserves happiness and excitement . Grandad said Jam is a 'grand lad' praise indeed!! I know you would love the man he is now, I'm proud as hell to be marrying him, and he seems so surprised I am marrying him, I don't really get that though.
I wish you were going to be there tomorrow, Outshining Linda in every way but your not, I can't change that but I hope you are there really. I hope you are looking at me and watching me and thinking I look nice, I think you would like the outfit, I do. Its not over the top. And I hope you don't mind Vicky gave me the horseshoe you gave her on her wedding day to me, I can think it is from you, I know you would have bought one.
Mum, I can't accept you are gone, all the bad feelings I feel about everything are distractions so I don't have to deal with the incredible guilt I feel about you dying. I miss you more than I can ever write, and you will be in my mind all day tomorrow and for the rest of my life. But I am saying goodbye to you as Jenny Pickup, don't think that means I will ever forget that I am a Pickup and a Skilbeck but it's time for me to be me, To be Jenny Lamb and let myself be all the things I want and know I can be. I hope your not to disappointed, I am going to believe your not, that your happy and that you wish it was you making bucks fizz for breakfast and telling me how beautiful I look. I will imagine you are.
I love you mum, more than anything in the world.
Love you millions. xxxxxxxx
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Hey
Hey,
I know ive not written in ages. I just wanted to let you know I love you and miss you, I'm enjoying being married and everything is just fine :)
I really miss you mum, I think it's getting harder some how, the times between the feeling shit are getting longer but the feeling shit is getting worse.
I can't sleep very well at the moment, I had a really vivid dream about you last night, we were emptying the bins at Hesketh road, I was fetching the little ones and you had the big one to put it into but you weren't acknowledging me, I don't know whether you couldn't or you wouldn't but I woke up feeling terrible. I don't know what that means or if It means anything, I wish you would talk to me in dreams or I would have the chance to tell you how great you are.
I love you mum, your the bestest person I could ever hope to know, I hope I'm making you proud.xxxxxxxxx
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I know ive not written in ages. I just wanted to let you know I love you and miss you, I'm enjoying being married and everything is just fine :)
I really miss you mum, I think it's getting harder some how, the times between the feeling shit are getting longer but the feeling shit is getting worse.
I can't sleep very well at the moment, I had a really vivid dream about you last night, we were emptying the bins at Hesketh road, I was fetching the little ones and you had the big one to put it into but you weren't acknowledging me, I don't know whether you couldn't or you wouldn't but I woke up feeling terrible. I don't know what that means or if It means anything, I wish you would talk to me in dreams or I would have the chance to tell you how great you are.
I love you mum, your the bestest person I could ever hope to know, I hope I'm making you proud.xxxxxxxxx
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Friday, May 13, 2011
Happy Birthday
Hi Gorgeous Mum!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Hope your ok, went to your stone today. Its very weird, I don't know what I'm meant to think or feel. I guess I'm meant to feel sad, but I kinnda just feel like I have to go. James said it's because it's a stone and that doesn't mean anything. My memories and stuff should feel more important. Dad had put some beautiful and over the top flowers on the stone, you couldn't see your name!! I took you some little yellow ones, they were only from Booths. But you would have appreciated the thought. Sometimes when I go to your stone I feel relaxed and better because I can say whatever I want to say to you and I can get all my thoughts and worries out. Maybe it's just the days I feel like I have to like your birthday or mothers day are just not the same as going because I want to. Jam reckons you wouldn't want me to turn up and cry all the time.
I think gran did the right thing, her and grandad have gone to Brighton away on a coach trip, when I spoke to her this morning she just seemed much happier and they were having a laugh about putting L plates on the wheelchair because grandad was chucking her out, lol!!
Awww it's all a bit rubbish, really missing you. Went to your stone to have a winge and ask your advice about this bloody MA, it's killing me, it's just so hard and much to do!! Dad and gran reported me to Therese and she said I can do it if I put my mind to it. I'm sure thats true, it's just not feeling it!!
Aww mum, I really miss you. Wish I could cuddle you!! Love you so much!!!xxxxxxx
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Hope your ok, went to your stone today. Its very weird, I don't know what I'm meant to think or feel. I guess I'm meant to feel sad, but I kinnda just feel like I have to go. James said it's because it's a stone and that doesn't mean anything. My memories and stuff should feel more important. Dad had put some beautiful and over the top flowers on the stone, you couldn't see your name!! I took you some little yellow ones, they were only from Booths. But you would have appreciated the thought. Sometimes when I go to your stone I feel relaxed and better because I can say whatever I want to say to you and I can get all my thoughts and worries out. Maybe it's just the days I feel like I have to like your birthday or mothers day are just not the same as going because I want to. Jam reckons you wouldn't want me to turn up and cry all the time.
I think gran did the right thing, her and grandad have gone to Brighton away on a coach trip, when I spoke to her this morning she just seemed much happier and they were having a laugh about putting L plates on the wheelchair because grandad was chucking her out, lol!!
Awww it's all a bit rubbish, really missing you. Went to your stone to have a winge and ask your advice about this bloody MA, it's killing me, it's just so hard and much to do!! Dad and gran reported me to Therese and she said I can do it if I put my mind to it. I'm sure thats true, it's just not feeling it!!
Aww mum, I really miss you. Wish I could cuddle you!! Love you so much!!!xxxxxxx
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Today
Hi mum,
So today is the royal wedding. William and Kate. I wonder if you would have watched it or if you would have thought it was a load of rubbish?
I'm going to watch, then I'm going to Amanda's for a BBQ. Nice to have another extra day off.
Stuff is going fine with us, I meant to write the other day to tell you that I had dinner with Therese and she was telling me about your replacement at work. Sounds like she doesn't really 'get' how you set it all up, seems to be pissing lots of people off. Just because she is not you I guess. I suggested Therese should go for the job but she wasn't keen.
PJ has bought a house, he is very very excited about it. But I think I already told you all about it.
The wedding is sorted, everything is done and ready and I am excited to get there now, cant wait to see Aliyah and I know Jam is excited to see him mum.
Work is going fab, still waiting to find out if I got my permanent contract, I think you would have suggested looking for jobs anyway but I trust Ali and I'm still hoping we get Ambassadors funding :)
We all got iPad 2's this week, very exciting!!! means I can sell my original one and make some extra pennies for the wedding.
James is wonderful, he is asleep next to me and he has been so sweet, yesterday I managed to get a touch of sunstroke (got it sat in my office, only me!!!) and he was so sweet, even though I just wanted to be left alone. I am struggling with my MA, I can't imagine I am going to get a dissertation done by the deadline. Keep trying though, my PGCE is much easier so I have ended up spending time doing that!!
Dad is fine, he gave me 10k because thats what he gave PJ, so that was nice of him, he is still loving with Sue, they seem happy together. Gran and grandad met her, I think I had undersold her because they said they were 'pleasantly surprised'. Gran and grandad are awesome, they are on holiday again at the moment, they are going away at least once month. It's fab, I am so proud of them. James went and helped them with some work in the house and they were chuffed to bits he had gone, he was knackered, re-felted granddads shed roof!!!
Things are just going fine really, it doesnt mean we miss you any less, all of us miss you every day. I'm off now to make pancakes for James breakfast, love you millions and billions.xxxxxxxx
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So today is the royal wedding. William and Kate. I wonder if you would have watched it or if you would have thought it was a load of rubbish?
I'm going to watch, then I'm going to Amanda's for a BBQ. Nice to have another extra day off.
Stuff is going fine with us, I meant to write the other day to tell you that I had dinner with Therese and she was telling me about your replacement at work. Sounds like she doesn't really 'get' how you set it all up, seems to be pissing lots of people off. Just because she is not you I guess. I suggested Therese should go for the job but she wasn't keen.
PJ has bought a house, he is very very excited about it. But I think I already told you all about it.
The wedding is sorted, everything is done and ready and I am excited to get there now, cant wait to see Aliyah and I know Jam is excited to see him mum.
Work is going fab, still waiting to find out if I got my permanent contract, I think you would have suggested looking for jobs anyway but I trust Ali and I'm still hoping we get Ambassadors funding :)
We all got iPad 2's this week, very exciting!!! means I can sell my original one and make some extra pennies for the wedding.
James is wonderful, he is asleep next to me and he has been so sweet, yesterday I managed to get a touch of sunstroke (got it sat in my office, only me!!!) and he was so sweet, even though I just wanted to be left alone. I am struggling with my MA, I can't imagine I am going to get a dissertation done by the deadline. Keep trying though, my PGCE is much easier so I have ended up spending time doing that!!
Dad is fine, he gave me 10k because thats what he gave PJ, so that was nice of him, he is still loving with Sue, they seem happy together. Gran and grandad met her, I think I had undersold her because they said they were 'pleasantly surprised'. Gran and grandad are awesome, they are on holiday again at the moment, they are going away at least once month. It's fab, I am so proud of them. James went and helped them with some work in the house and they were chuffed to bits he had gone, he was knackered, re-felted granddads shed roof!!!
Things are just going fine really, it doesnt mean we miss you any less, all of us miss you every day. I'm off now to make pancakes for James breakfast, love you millions and billions.xxxxxxxx
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Wednesday, April 20, 2011
News
Hi mum,
Sorry I haven't written, Ive been dreading this a tiny bit. Jam and me are getting married. We are doing it in Cyprus, I couldn't face doing it here without you, I have bought a maxi dress,it's not a proper wedding dress, it's just nice. Jam is wearing a linen suit. I feel like I should say sorry, I don't know why, I'm pretty sure you would want me to be happy but I just don't think this was the way you envisioned it happening. And I know you liked jam but he wasn't the ideal man you would have chosen was he....he makes me happy. I don't make me happy and I fuck around and mess stuff up and he just takes me for me, I don't have to be anyone around him, I can just be silly and rude and fat and childish and he loves me. I can have an amazing night with him, I can have a rubbish night but it's ok and I get to go home to him. He is awesome, he is good, he might not be loaded or driven but I can be that for both of us, when I wake up next to him I feel special. I just want to be married to him and have babies with him and live in a huge house with him, I can't wait, I don't really want all the crap, I don't want stag and hen parties or a huge reception really. I want to live my little boring life with my lovely man!!
I hope your ok with all this, I hope you are looking down and are proud of me, its been harder than I expected, I wanted you to dress shop with me,,,and tell me that I'm doing the right thing, lots of other people have Ben amazing but none of them were you.
In other news - gran S is doing awesome, I have been for lunch with her twice this week, on Sunday I went and picked her up and took her to guys, she was chuffed, jam is going over tomorrow to help re-felt her shed roof, bless him :) she is doing well, she met SuBo, she said she was pleasantly surprised, I think I may have been meaner than I needed to be :s but that's good that Gran is ok, she said as long as dad is happy. They both seem a million times better, gran looks healthier than she has in ages and grandad is back to his funny self :)
Paul has bought a house, in glouscter, he is so happy about it, Claire is moving in with him, you would love her!! He got a good deal so you can imagine how pleased he is with himself.
I have to go, I have dye in my hair that needs washing out, I have made a terrible job of it, just another thing I need you for!!!xxxxxxxx miss you.xxxx
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Sorry I haven't written, Ive been dreading this a tiny bit. Jam and me are getting married. We are doing it in Cyprus, I couldn't face doing it here without you, I have bought a maxi dress,it's not a proper wedding dress, it's just nice. Jam is wearing a linen suit. I feel like I should say sorry, I don't know why, I'm pretty sure you would want me to be happy but I just don't think this was the way you envisioned it happening. And I know you liked jam but he wasn't the ideal man you would have chosen was he....he makes me happy. I don't make me happy and I fuck around and mess stuff up and he just takes me for me, I don't have to be anyone around him, I can just be silly and rude and fat and childish and he loves me. I can have an amazing night with him, I can have a rubbish night but it's ok and I get to go home to him. He is awesome, he is good, he might not be loaded or driven but I can be that for both of us, when I wake up next to him I feel special. I just want to be married to him and have babies with him and live in a huge house with him, I can't wait, I don't really want all the crap, I don't want stag and hen parties or a huge reception really. I want to live my little boring life with my lovely man!!
I hope your ok with all this, I hope you are looking down and are proud of me, its been harder than I expected, I wanted you to dress shop with me,,,and tell me that I'm doing the right thing, lots of other people have Ben amazing but none of them were you.
In other news - gran S is doing awesome, I have been for lunch with her twice this week, on Sunday I went and picked her up and took her to guys, she was chuffed, jam is going over tomorrow to help re-felt her shed roof, bless him :) she is doing well, she met SuBo, she said she was pleasantly surprised, I think I may have been meaner than I needed to be :s but that's good that Gran is ok, she said as long as dad is happy. They both seem a million times better, gran looks healthier than she has in ages and grandad is back to his funny self :)
Paul has bought a house, in glouscter, he is so happy about it, Claire is moving in with him, you would love her!! He got a good deal so you can imagine how pleased he is with himself.
I have to go, I have dye in my hair that needs washing out, I have made a terrible job of it, just another thing I need you for!!!xxxxxxxx miss you.xxxx
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Sunday, March 27, 2011
FOUND IT!!!
I can't really write, but I have your ring back. I will tell all in my next post!! Sooooo happy!!! Love you.xxxxx
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Thursday, March 24, 2011
The past week
Hey mum,
I've been dreading writing this blog, I am so sorry!! Last week I got burgled, They stole your ring, your perfect, gorgeous ring!! I am so sorry!!
I came home after my MA and it had gone, they had broken in through the conservatory and taken my laptop and my camera and your ring and all your jewellery and your scarves!! I'm heartbroken!! They took Terrys watch too!! It was awful, I feel so violated and I was so scared to come home after my lecture tonight, my friend from my lecture called Siobhan brought me home and came in and checked the house, she was like me and insisted I check the cupboards and everything :) it was horrible, we called the police and dad didn't go mad or anything!! He was sooo nice!! We are all insured :)ut that's not really the point I guess, I have asked the insurance, that if we don't find your ring that me and Paul can split the vouchers for jewellery and get something in your honour.
I feel really crap about it, I shouldn't have taken it from dad, I should have known what would happen, I have tried so hard to get it back, I have been in the LEP today after they saw your Facebook group. I have rang loads of other police forces and loads of cash my gold websites, I don't know what else I can do.
In other news, SuBo has moved in now, there is now, 18months after your death, another women living in your house! It's very very very very weird!! Spoke to dad last night, he was asking about your ornaments, apparently she has brought loads of her own stuff so now it looks cluttered....they want to move your stuff, dad asked what he should do, I'm finding it hard to 'tell' him what he should do, i said that to be fair, it must be weird for her being surrounded by all your stuff but that I want to see anything he is going to bin. I told Paul and he said 'great, it's going to be full of shit'. Lol, I doubt she has the same taste as you, or actually i doubt she has any taste!!
All in all, a crap week!! Gtg, need to do work blogging, I'll write soon. Ooooh, guess what actually, James is painting grans fences today :) sooo proud of him, plus he has an interview on Monday and when he found out, he said 'awww, I want to ring your mum'!!! Gutted, just another reason why we need you,
I love you.xxxxxxxx
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I've been dreading writing this blog, I am so sorry!! Last week I got burgled, They stole your ring, your perfect, gorgeous ring!! I am so sorry!!
I came home after my MA and it had gone, they had broken in through the conservatory and taken my laptop and my camera and your ring and all your jewellery and your scarves!! I'm heartbroken!! They took Terrys watch too!! It was awful, I feel so violated and I was so scared to come home after my lecture tonight, my friend from my lecture called Siobhan brought me home and came in and checked the house, she was like me and insisted I check the cupboards and everything :) it was horrible, we called the police and dad didn't go mad or anything!! He was sooo nice!! We are all insured :)ut that's not really the point I guess, I have asked the insurance, that if we don't find your ring that me and Paul can split the vouchers for jewellery and get something in your honour.
I feel really crap about it, I shouldn't have taken it from dad, I should have known what would happen, I have tried so hard to get it back, I have been in the LEP today after they saw your Facebook group. I have rang loads of other police forces and loads of cash my gold websites, I don't know what else I can do.
In other news, SuBo has moved in now, there is now, 18months after your death, another women living in your house! It's very very very very weird!! Spoke to dad last night, he was asking about your ornaments, apparently she has brought loads of her own stuff so now it looks cluttered....they want to move your stuff, dad asked what he should do, I'm finding it hard to 'tell' him what he should do, i said that to be fair, it must be weird for her being surrounded by all your stuff but that I want to see anything he is going to bin. I told Paul and he said 'great, it's going to be full of shit'. Lol, I doubt she has the same taste as you, or actually i doubt she has any taste!!
All in all, a crap week!! Gtg, need to do work blogging, I'll write soon. Ooooh, guess what actually, James is painting grans fences today :) sooo proud of him, plus he has an interview on Monday and when he found out, he said 'awww, I want to ring your mum'!!! Gutted, just another reason why we need you,
I love you.xxxxxxxx
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Sunday, March 6, 2011
:(
Mum,
I miss you, just woke up after a hysterical dream. There was pictures of you everywhere and everyone telling me how great you were. I don't want you to have been great. I want you to still be.
I feel heartbroken and horrible.
I miss you and love you so much.
xxx
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I miss you, just woke up after a hysterical dream. There was pictures of you everywhere and everyone telling me how great you were. I don't want you to have been great. I want you to still be.
I feel heartbroken and horrible.
I miss you and love you so much.
xxx
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Sunday, February 20, 2011
Barney
Forgot to tell you!! Me and Jam got a cat, well he doesn't move in until next Saturday, he's a rescue cat called Barney, he is tabby and white and gorgeous. We are smitten.
I know what you would say, you would very much disapprove, I said to Jam it feels really weird to not ask you about such a big decision but oh well, at least I don't have to listen to why you think its a bad idea!!xxx
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I know what you would say, you would very much disapprove, I said to Jam it feels really weird to not ask you about such a big decision but oh well, at least I don't have to listen to why you think its a bad idea!!xxx
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Heylo
Hi lovely mum!!
Hows it going?? I am struggling to motivate myself today, keep thinking about you and how much you went through when you were studying, not really helping though.
Watching dancing on ice now while I write to you, know you wouldn't have done that, but I'm in my own world when I try to work :(
I have soooooo much to do, I have my MA dissertation, 2 other MA assignments plus 2 PGCE assignments, I know you would say that I should take every opportunity offered to me, just maybe not all at once eh??
Dad is doing my head in, I really hope you can see it all, I'm just not sure whether I should stay away, gran is really upset by him and I want to be there for her but it's hard, she's not anywhere near over loosing you and she is so poorly, I think its going to kill her and I don't know what to say about it. Grandad is finding it hard and he's stopping being so vocal or as fun.
Awww mum, I just miss you a million, I want to talk to you and hear what you would say. I have been having awful nightmare and have woken up crying a few nights, it's rubbish, I'm fed up of worrying, plus I've started spazzing out again. Scary!!
Miss you so much, I love you!!!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Hows it going?? I am struggling to motivate myself today, keep thinking about you and how much you went through when you were studying, not really helping though.
Watching dancing on ice now while I write to you, know you wouldn't have done that, but I'm in my own world when I try to work :(
I have soooooo much to do, I have my MA dissertation, 2 other MA assignments plus 2 PGCE assignments, I know you would say that I should take every opportunity offered to me, just maybe not all at once eh??
Dad is doing my head in, I really hope you can see it all, I'm just not sure whether I should stay away, gran is really upset by him and I want to be there for her but it's hard, she's not anywhere near over loosing you and she is so poorly, I think its going to kill her and I don't know what to say about it. Grandad is finding it hard and he's stopping being so vocal or as fun.
Awww mum, I just miss you a million, I want to talk to you and hear what you would say. I have been having awful nightmare and have woken up crying a few nights, it's rubbish, I'm fed up of worrying, plus I've started spazzing out again. Scary!!
Miss you so much, I love you!!!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Sunday, February 13, 2011
Just a quick one
Hey mum,
Hope your ok, been to see Gran this morning, she is really not well all all, she's started shaking a lot and she showed me letters from the docs, I don't know what to say, you would be better at this stuff than me, dad is being a right insensitive jerk!! Gran is really upset by the whole thing, I can see why, he doesn't seem to realise that although he might not care, everyone else is still grieving for you, well he might be grieving in how own weird way but I can't believe for a second he genuinely thinks you would be ok with all the stuff he is doing and buying. It's like he thinks he has a second chance to be 20 and abandon all his responsibilities. I havent spoken to him properly in 2 weeks, I'm gutted, I thought we would end up close, we haven't, if anything we are less close, It has made me closer to gran at least, she is awesome, I'm so proud of them but it must be so hard!!
Work is crap, I can't remember if I already told you we didn't get the ESF funding, looks bad for me keeping my job, I'm sure you would tell me it will work out for the best but I'm finding it hard to accept that, plus I'm not sure what to do for the best, should I apply for jobs or stay in the hope that more funding will come?? What if it doesn't?? Or worse, what if it does and I have already left?? Stupid crappy recession, I hate it!! And I hate that I can't ask you for advice in the middle of it!!
Jam is applying for lots of jobs, he is awesome, really trying, he's been locked in his room for the last 2 days doing uni work, well he might be wanking but I'm pretty sure its uni work :p
Really really missing you mum!!!
Love you a billion.
Xxxxxxxxxxx
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Hope your ok, been to see Gran this morning, she is really not well all all, she's started shaking a lot and she showed me letters from the docs, I don't know what to say, you would be better at this stuff than me, dad is being a right insensitive jerk!! Gran is really upset by the whole thing, I can see why, he doesn't seem to realise that although he might not care, everyone else is still grieving for you, well he might be grieving in how own weird way but I can't believe for a second he genuinely thinks you would be ok with all the stuff he is doing and buying. It's like he thinks he has a second chance to be 20 and abandon all his responsibilities. I havent spoken to him properly in 2 weeks, I'm gutted, I thought we would end up close, we haven't, if anything we are less close, It has made me closer to gran at least, she is awesome, I'm so proud of them but it must be so hard!!
Work is crap, I can't remember if I already told you we didn't get the ESF funding, looks bad for me keeping my job, I'm sure you would tell me it will work out for the best but I'm finding it hard to accept that, plus I'm not sure what to do for the best, should I apply for jobs or stay in the hope that more funding will come?? What if it doesn't?? Or worse, what if it does and I have already left?? Stupid crappy recession, I hate it!! And I hate that I can't ask you for advice in the middle of it!!
Jam is applying for lots of jobs, he is awesome, really trying, he's been locked in his room for the last 2 days doing uni work, well he might be wanking but I'm pretty sure its uni work :p
Really really missing you mum!!!
Love you a billion.
Xxxxxxxxxxx
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Thursday, February 3, 2011
Hello and London
Hey mum,
Hope your ok, well not sure if I told u about London, we went to see Jersey Boys, dad took us for my birthday and paid for me, Jam, Paul, Claire, him, SuBo and Therese to go for the weekend.
First the good - Jersey Boys was absolutely amazing!! Therese was awesome, PJ and Claire were so much fun!! And it was lovely to be in London with James :) you would have really enjoyed Jersey Boys, I know you would have been up and dancing!!!
The bad - dad was just acting like a right moron, he couldn't wait to get away from the rest of us, as soon as we got on the train he was all over SuBo and then all weekend he couldn't wait to get away from us, I tried to hold his hand and say thank you for taking us away and he shrugged me off to go back to her!! When I asked him about it he said that she was upset so he had to talk to her, because she realised she didn't have her family round her!!
He then asked me how I would feel about him moving her and her daughter in and I said I might distance myself, it would be really weird, I know that house wasn't really mine but it feels like it and it's where you lived....and to be honest I don't like going anywhere and also i want to distance myself because he makes me feel awkward when he is around her, he's obviously not bothered about us. Well Paul disagrees, I'm not sure whether he really thinks she is ok or whether he is just saying what he thinks dad wants to hear so he can just move out on alright terms. Dad is making everything so difficult and rubbish, I just want to not bother with him but I can't really do that.
Plus he is not even bothered about Gran, uncle ray is using little grains money to build a granny flat on his house to move her into, it's so the wrong thing for gran, she is finally settled in alston lodge and she needs loads of care and she is rubbish if she is left by herself, plus she gets up 4/5 times a night so who is going to do that, they are so just doing it for selfish reasons. I know that you would say something if you were still here, so I feel like I should say something. I feel like they wont take me seriously and I wont have dads support, its really hard!!!
My MA is going sooooooo well, I had a really good lecture last night, it was my favourite lecturer and it was about young offenders and how they explain away their actions.
I miss you, I want to tell you all this stuff and I can't, I know how lucky I am to have James and Therese and a job I love but I still miss you a lot!!!
Love you always!!
Xxxxxxx
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Hope your ok, well not sure if I told u about London, we went to see Jersey Boys, dad took us for my birthday and paid for me, Jam, Paul, Claire, him, SuBo and Therese to go for the weekend.
First the good - Jersey Boys was absolutely amazing!! Therese was awesome, PJ and Claire were so much fun!! And it was lovely to be in London with James :) you would have really enjoyed Jersey Boys, I know you would have been up and dancing!!!
The bad - dad was just acting like a right moron, he couldn't wait to get away from the rest of us, as soon as we got on the train he was all over SuBo and then all weekend he couldn't wait to get away from us, I tried to hold his hand and say thank you for taking us away and he shrugged me off to go back to her!! When I asked him about it he said that she was upset so he had to talk to her, because she realised she didn't have her family round her!!
He then asked me how I would feel about him moving her and her daughter in and I said I might distance myself, it would be really weird, I know that house wasn't really mine but it feels like it and it's where you lived....and to be honest I don't like going anywhere and also i want to distance myself because he makes me feel awkward when he is around her, he's obviously not bothered about us. Well Paul disagrees, I'm not sure whether he really thinks she is ok or whether he is just saying what he thinks dad wants to hear so he can just move out on alright terms. Dad is making everything so difficult and rubbish, I just want to not bother with him but I can't really do that.
Plus he is not even bothered about Gran, uncle ray is using little grains money to build a granny flat on his house to move her into, it's so the wrong thing for gran, she is finally settled in alston lodge and she needs loads of care and she is rubbish if she is left by herself, plus she gets up 4/5 times a night so who is going to do that, they are so just doing it for selfish reasons. I know that you would say something if you were still here, so I feel like I should say something. I feel like they wont take me seriously and I wont have dads support, its really hard!!!
My MA is going sooooooo well, I had a really good lecture last night, it was my favourite lecturer and it was about young offenders and how they explain away their actions.
I miss you, I want to tell you all this stuff and I can't, I know how lucky I am to have James and Therese and a job I love but I still miss you a lot!!!
Love you always!!
Xxxxxxx
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Location:Supposed to be working...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Hello
Hello!!!
Hope your ok, it's James birthday tomorrow, I have spoilt him rotten, he totally deserves it, then on Saturday lots of people are going to MOKA for a meal. Woop!!
Hope your alright, I'm really ace, I'm getting stressed about going back to work already and have been working from home even though I am on leave. I am so obviously your daughter!!
This year has started well, it's nice to feel calm and I quite do, not always obviously and we are only 6 days into the new year but still... I am on a diet too. I have been counting calories on an app on my phone, it's cool. It's good to see just how much I have been eating so I can stop doing it, also how many calories are in starbucks!!! Terrible!!!
Dad is good, he's still smitten with SuBo, he's told us he has agreed to pay for her divorce lawyer, I really don't feel comfortable with that, but he totally doesn't get it. Went out with him and helped him get a new phone, bless him, it's a really good phone and he will never se it for what it could be used for!! Lol!!!
Kat had managed to get even more mental, she had a NYE party and didn't invite rick or Phil and C but expects them to be her best pal, it quite upset Rick I think. Ahhh well, James got drunk at hills last night and had a right rant about her. Its upsetting because it's clearly my fault buti have no bloody idea why, its not fair on Jam because they hate him too and he did nothing!!!!
Oh well.
Love you a million.xxxxxx
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Hope your ok, it's James birthday tomorrow, I have spoilt him rotten, he totally deserves it, then on Saturday lots of people are going to MOKA for a meal. Woop!!
Hope your alright, I'm really ace, I'm getting stressed about going back to work already and have been working from home even though I am on leave. I am so obviously your daughter!!
This year has started well, it's nice to feel calm and I quite do, not always obviously and we are only 6 days into the new year but still... I am on a diet too. I have been counting calories on an app on my phone, it's cool. It's good to see just how much I have been eating so I can stop doing it, also how many calories are in starbucks!!! Terrible!!!
Dad is good, he's still smitten with SuBo, he's told us he has agreed to pay for her divorce lawyer, I really don't feel comfortable with that, but he totally doesn't get it. Went out with him and helped him get a new phone, bless him, it's a really good phone and he will never se it for what it could be used for!! Lol!!!
Kat had managed to get even more mental, she had a NYE party and didn't invite rick or Phil and C but expects them to be her best pal, it quite upset Rick I think. Ahhh well, James got drunk at hills last night and had a right rant about her. Its upsetting because it's clearly my fault buti have no bloody idea why, its not fair on Jam because they hate him too and he did nothing!!!!
Oh well.
Love you a million.xxxxxx
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Location:In the conservatory
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Happy New Year
Hello mum
Happy new year!!!
Sorry for my depressed last post, although its probably true, i shouldn't have got so down on myself!!
It's now the second day of 2011, and this year is going to be excellent, it started so well, we had an awesome party with lots of lovely people :) at midnight we set off lanterns on the park, we weren't the only people, there were hundreds over the top of Preston, just lovely :)
The day before new year me and James had a huge talk, hen told me that i have been treating him a bit badly, taking out my feelings about you, Kat, work and Dad on him. He is right, so we are making this year different and good.
I love you so much and I cant wait to tell you about my adventures this year.
Jen.
Xxxxx
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Happy new year!!!
Sorry for my depressed last post, although its probably true, i shouldn't have got so down on myself!!
It's now the second day of 2011, and this year is going to be excellent, it started so well, we had an awesome party with lots of lovely people :) at midnight we set off lanterns on the park, we weren't the only people, there were hundreds over the top of Preston, just lovely :)
The day before new year me and James had a huge talk, hen told me that i have been treating him a bit badly, taking out my feelings about you, Kat, work and Dad on him. He is right, so we are making this year different and good.
I love you so much and I cant wait to tell you about my adventures this year.
Jen.
Xxxxx
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Location:Home
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