So so much!!!

Hello!!!

God I miss you!! Grandma is driving me crazy!! She has just phoned me to have a fight, she's telling me that she is scared of dad and she's being so sensitive and ridiculous! I told her what I think and I really shouldn't!! I'm dying to ring you and get some reassurance, that she's just being silly and I should ignore her!! I can almost hear you now, just telling me 'you know what she's like, just ignore it', I'd do anything to have that conversation :'( I know it's horrible for her, I get that, I really do but it's crap for me too and I'm so proud of dad, he is being awesome, he hasn't done anything that I think you would disapprove of, except maybe get the tattoo's but you knew that would happen and it's hardly the end of the world, it's not like he's spent all your money on another woman or anything terrible!! Im so fed up, I want to make up with her but I'm going to have to leave it til she's in a better mood!! I just want to go away, I know dad doesn't want me to get married but I really want to just do it and move :) I'm dreading everything now, today I was really excited about a wedding, i've seen a gorgeous dress, a 50s style one, it's beautiful!! Showed it amanda and nic and they love it too :) wish I could show you!! I'm sure you would like it, it's much more me than you!! Im still dreading planning it without you there, I just don't want to but i think it will be worth it, I adore James, he has been so wonderful recently, he's getting a bit tired of gran upsetting me too though, he didn't answer the phone tonight, I think he was hoping to avoid it all.
Anyway I am meant to be working from home so I better do something!!
Love you so so much!!
Xxxxx


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Long wait

Hello!!

Feel like I've not done this for ages!! Having a bit of a random week this week, job security is looking awful, I got that lecturers job, but everyone else that got one have been given backword because they can't afford to pay them. Ali said I should keep quiet, don't want mine getting rid of! Not a good situation tho, if were still in ISCRI in July, I won't have a job :(

James bloody mother is getting worse, she ebayed a load of Terrys stuff that Jam said he wanted, I mean, who does that??dad wouldn't have got rid of anything of yours without asking me!! She is such a selfish bitch, then apparently age has said that she won't come to our wedding if Clare doesn't come, fine by me, means I've got a reason for neither of then to come! I just think it's incredibly selfish, it's our wedding but already she's making it about her!!!

Went for a blood test too, should get the results soon, they thought I might have an underactive thiroid, would explain why I'm always tired and why I'm so fat, probably won't be that though, I imagine there is nothing wrong with me.

I've really been missing u this week mum, I keep emailing and your address pops up, I would like nothing more than to email u and get a reply!! Ask you what I should do about a million things or tell you the latest funny thing grandma did! It's crap that your not here, and it's still weird that your not. I'm not sure it will ever feel normal or that I really want it to!!

Love you millions and more.xxxxx


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Location:Bed

Yep, so is everyone else mum!!!

So, how 'cool' am I?? It's time to get an ipad or a really little apple laptop and better glasses when I've resorted to blogging in coffee shops :) I'm honestly only doing it while I wait for my pictures to be developed (2010 and it still takes an hour!!!) plus I'm not sat in the window displaying my apple logo to the world, although I would like to be, I'm actually curled on a chair with no shoes on recieving disapproving looks from staff and customers!!
Anyhow, just sharing, bumped into 2 of the Parks on my wander through town, Grace is awesome and off to Italy with school next week!! Rachel though, doesn't seem great, took all of 5 minutes before she cried about you, said she can't get her head round that your gone, it's weird to think that other people feel like I do!! Part of me wanted to shout at her and tell her that it's not her mum so why is she so upset!! I realise that would have been mean, and quite inappropriate in the middle of town!! Just feels really yucky to have other people telling me how much they miss you and then I feel like I look a bit like a bitch when I don't cry or when I seem accepting of it, I mean what do they want?? Do u think u should fake upset?? I invited her to the 50's night this Saturday so she can see dad and get out of the house. I toon Manda a coffee after I'd seen them, she says I'm not weird and it's ok to not be as upset as everyone else or a least not cry as much as everyone else. James says the same thing so I think their probably right. Dot have much news really, I'm getting some photos of you developed today, I'm going to put them in my clock and on the wall of mh conservatory which you would love now, it's eggshell like I wanted!! Jam got me the most gorgeous pic for the wall and a clock which you put photos in which is beautiful :) Rachel mentioned how great dad is doing earlier too, he is you know!! I remember you said on that tuesday when I last saw you, that he would be brilliant, he would be what we needed, he is to me, he is being fantastic. I think he struggles sometimes and he has said some really mean things to Gran, I think he's just bad at expressing himself when he is upset!! On the whole though he is fab!! Oh mum, I miss you, I wish I could phone you and tell you all these things. love you millions!!!!xxxxxx


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Location:Costa coffee

Just wanted to tell you....

Hi Mum!!!
Just wanted to tell you that we had an ace day today, Grandma came round and took me, Jam an Aliyah to the park where she got to go on loads of rides, she loved every second!! Then we went to aunty phyllis', she made us lunch and let Aliyah see the pigeons and play outside, she was shattered but it was worth it!! Gran and Grandad loved it, both looked tired and Gran didn't look too well but they did great!! Gran is at hospital on Weds, she said she's not sure if Grandad is up to driving so she said she might ring me to take her or pick her up, I'm quite chuffed that she thinks I'm responsible enough to do it or that she would even ask, she obviously trusts me! It's nice that I can try and fill some of the hole you left, promise I will always look after her!!
Love you millions!!!xxxxx


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Location:Home :)

Family fun

Soooo....interesting night last night, it makes me miss mum an awful lot more when James family come into the equasion. James is my lovely fiancée, we have been together for 7yrs (exactly, tomorrow!!!!) with a couple of breaks when we were much younger, all a bit serious a bit soon for both of us, anyhow we haven't split up for 3 yrs and I'm pretty sure we won't again!! His family are just weird, I have no idea how 2 people with such similar values and outlooks can have had such different environments. Definately puts evidence forward for a nature argument, but even that wouldn't explain how Jam is normal...should probably explain, james incredible dad passed away on my 24th birthday, he had cancer, a different type than mum but a very bad sort, he was Ill for about 3 yrs before he died. More about him on a different entry, he left James mum, who is a selfish alcoholic who looks after James neice as James (half) sister is a stupid, ex heroin addict, prostitute and general bitch who is not capable of looking after Aliyah. Last night James was invited to a pub quiz, I said he could go and I would have Aliyah but as I obviously didn't want him too, he didn't. 10 minutes later he got a text from Becky ( :( ) to tell him his mum and sister were there and had made people move so they could sit near James friends, they were absolutely pissed and acting like morons, one text said "I'm not surprised your denying knowledge of your mum", I mean seriously, what NORMAL mum thinks it appropriate to gatecrash your sons friends pubquiz team and get horribly pissed in front of them while your son is looking after the child your daughter can't take care of while u take her out on the piss???? It makes me so angry and upset that my lovely normal mum has gone, while Jam has to suffer being embarrassed by that excuse for one!! He was so upset last night and so embarrassed that friends he has known forever have seen his mum, and worse his sister in that state!!! Especially knowing we have Aliyah!! Right, rant over, I adore Jam but his family just make me miss my mum more :(


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Location:Bed :)

Testing the iPhone app

Just testing this iPhone doodah, apparently I can blog from anywhere...woop yeah!! (if it works)....


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Location:My conservatory

first post

So, this is the first post, guess this should include the background, my mum died on the 17th Sept 2009, when I was 25, we had a turbulent relationship when she was alive, probably no more so than your average mother-daughter relationship but it felt that way for a long time, she was an incredible mum and an incredible person. It seems a shame that I've only realised the extent of that now she has gone.

I wasn't always the bestest daughter, I left home without telling her when I was 18 to move in with my boyfriend (whom I'm still with) but it broke her heart and I wasn't especially bothered, things improved and the 3 years before she died we had a fab relationship, she was the first person I would think of to turn to and the first person I wanted to tell things too. I spoke to her at least 3 times a week, but usually every day, I'm hoping that writing this will give me a place to put all the things I would have liked to phone her and tell her, maybe she's reading it, I'm not sure what I think of that but it would be nice to think so.

My mum died of cancer, she was first diagnosed in 1999, she was put in remission in 2001, diagnosed again in 2007, stopped medication in 2008 and it came back for the last time in January 2009, dad told me afterwards that she had known since Christmas 2008 that it was back but she only told me and my brother in June 2009 so it was pretty quick after finding out that we lost her.

I'm off out now but I plan to update this regularly.

:)