Night before...

I wrote this on 31st May but couldnt publish it :(

Hey mum,
Hope your ok.
I'm writing from James mums spare room in cyprus. Tomorrow I get married and become Jenny Lamb.
I am so happy and so excited about it, the only thing stopping me being totally happy is that your not here. It's horrible doing these things without you. If I'm honest I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I have been awful to Jam. But more than that I killed you. I know you would have been better if I didn't upset you so much, jam says it's the cancer that killed you and he's probably right but you would have been here for longer if I didn't make you stressed. I know you would say I'm being silly and that your proud of me and you love me millions but we both know I could have been a better daughter and a better girlfriend, I want you to know that I am sorry, I know you wouldn't approve of me doing it this way but I couldn't have planned it without you, I wish dad was here but I couldn't have asked him to be. Plus he is a bit wrapped up in stuff. Gran is being awesome.
I think I need to sort myself out, I need to accept that I could have been a better daughter and girlfriend but I can be the best wife and mother. I can be as good as you as a mother, I know I can. I will think about you the whole time, what would you have done or said. I'm turning into more like you now mum, I'm a workaholic and I care about the same things as you, you were better looking and more fashionable and better at your job and everything but I am no going to try and live in your shadow anymore, I don't need to live up to you, I couldn't if I wanted to but I can be my own happy person who deserves happiness and excitement . Grandad said Jam is a 'grand lad' praise indeed!! I know you would love the man he is now, I'm proud as hell to be marrying him, and he seems so surprised I am marrying him, I don't really get that though.
I wish you were going to be there tomorrow, Outshining Linda in every way but your not, I can't change that but I hope you are there really. I hope you are looking at me and watching me and thinking I look nice, I think you would like the outfit, I do. Its not over the top. And I hope you don't mind Vicky gave me the horseshoe you gave her on her wedding day to me, I can think it is from you, I know you would have bought one.
Mum, I can't accept you are gone, all the bad feelings I feel about everything are distractions so I don't have to deal with the incredible guilt I feel about you dying. I miss you more than I can ever write, and you will be in my mind all day tomorrow and for the rest of my life. But I am saying goodbye to you as Jenny Pickup, don't think that means I will ever forget that I am a Pickup and a Skilbeck but it's time for me to be me, To be Jenny Lamb and let myself be all the things I want and know I can be. I hope your not to disappointed, I am going to believe your not, that your happy and that you wish it was you making bucks fizz for breakfast and telling me how beautiful I look. I will imagine you are.
I love you mum, more than anything in the world.
Love you millions. xxxxxxxx


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Hey

Hey,

I know ive not written in ages. I just wanted to let you know I love you and miss you, I'm enjoying being married and everything is just fine :)
I really miss you mum, I think it's getting harder some how, the times between the feeling shit are getting longer but the feeling shit is getting worse.
I can't sleep very well at the moment, I had a really vivid dream about you last night, we were emptying the bins at Hesketh road, I was fetching the little ones and you had the big one to put it into but you weren't acknowledging me, I don't know whether you couldn't or you wouldn't but I woke up feeling terrible. I don't know what that means or if It means anything, I wish you would talk to me in dreams or I would have the chance to tell you how great you are.
I love you mum, your the bestest person I could ever hope to know, I hope I'm making you proud.xxxxxxxxx


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad