I passed!!!

Evening mum!!
God I wish I could call you!! I just found out I passed my MA assignments which I was panicking about over summer!! I actually did really well, 57% for the one on virtual rape and 53% for my thesis proposal :) :) chuffed to bloody bits!!! I can pretty much hear you saying how proud you would be, I know that you would be sooo pleased, especially since I put so much work in :)
I rang dad and told him, he was pleased but I'm not sure he really understands, I rang Therese and she was thrilled, she said the same thing that I know you would say. It's nice that I have that but it doesn't really make it any better, I would give anything to hear you say how proud you are!!
Everything else is awesome too, I'm loving work, I love lecturing so much, and I really think I'm good at it :)
Saw Therese for tea last night, did u know Gaynor and VJ have broken up?? She thinks it might be the 2 children, bit stressful I guess.
Dads being a bit mental too, he is still smitten, he said I have to deal with it and accept that they are together and it's staying that way. I guess that I just have to do that, Im a bit happy for him, but I'm finding it very difficult to accept still...
Anyhow I best go and drink my lovely red wine (got a three grapes one, not as good as yours but still yummy)
Love you millions!!
Xxxx


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Hello :)

Evening Mum,
Hope your ok :)

I have had an awesome week this week, started teaching again and it's been brilliant, got some lovely students and I'm buzzing when I finish a lecture :) love it!!

Then this weekend, ive done pretty much nothing. I've cleaned my house and it looks sooo gorgeous, you would be sooo proud, you'd love it :) then Jam made an awesome Sunday dinner :)

Guessing you already know but Therese's mum died last week. I feel terrible for her, it must feel so weird giving how turbulent their relationship was :( it was awful too, the first thing she said to me was how much she wished she could talk to you! I know exactly what she means, I keep thinking about things I wish I could talk to you about, and none of them are even half as bad as that!!

Dads still a bit mental, he's properly into this woman, he has lost loads of weight. He says he can't eat because he's so excited all the time. He thinks you sent her to him, says that it's too coincidental and that you wanted him to be happy so you must have something to do with it. Although on that topic he pissed me off the other day, he told Therese that you never told him to find another lady, even I know you said that to him. Therese mentioned to him that you had told her you wouldn't want him to be single forever and he acted all surprised. He only does it for sympathy, I get that but it's really stupid!!

Anyhow I'm ignoring James now to write letters to a dead lady, oh my god...I miss you mum!!
I love you millions :)
Xxx

Oooh forgot to tell you, I scanned In the card you wrote me when it was my degree day and you sent me flowers :) it's ace, I'll never loose it now :) xxx

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Stuff

Hi mum,
Hope your ok, miss you.
Went to Dads on Friday. It was OK, bit weird, he put lots of pictures of you everywhere and he had been to booths to show them pictures of you, you would have gone mad!!
It was quite nice though, lots of people turned up, I felt awkward, James was working so I was a bit on my own....then when he picked me up I was a bit drunk and didn't want to go home and he was knackered. We ended up having a massive fight! I think I have been a bit unfair to him this week, I've just felt rubbish and angry and stuff and vie taken it out on him, I don't want to end up like Bolton but I wouldn't blame him if he buggered off!!
Starting teaching this week, got a load of students I haven't met yet tomorrow. Little bit nervous but I think I have prepared ok, it should be good :)
Not heard any more about dads girlfriend, I don't think I want to, i yelled at him the last time we tried to talk.
Just been going through loads of stuff we are going to sell and we a getting rid of our old phones. I keep finding loads of texts off you, just mundane stuff, like arranging to have coffee and stuff. I wish I was up to the stage where I can remember them for the good times they were instead of feeling sad and missing you and it being another thing I'll never do with you or another thing I'm missing out on. I hope i get there soon, and that I can stop being sad.
Just about finished my latest MA assignment and I'm officially enrolled on the PGCE in HE, this year is going to be a lot of work but I'm really excited about it, I like being busy with stuff I know I can achieve :) guess I'm more like you than I like to admit :p
I love you!! Miss you.
Xxxxxx



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A year

Morning Mum,
Hope your ok.
Well you have been gone a year today, almost exactly. I don't know what to say, I feel very weird. Yesterday was weirder, it was freshers fair and I remember going from your house last year. I cried halfway through and had to leave, I wanted to not let you down and just carry on but it was pretty hard! So we went this year, Jam came with me, he was awesome! He properly looked after me and made sure i was ok.
It feels like a year is some mega important date, like everything will change after a year. Like after a year I cant be upset or ask for sympathy because it was ages ago or that people just won't remember that it happened and just assume I'm fine. To be honest thats probably not a bad thing.
I really wish I could talk to you about dad and this woman he is seeing. He thinks you have had something to do with it but I don't think you have. You wouldn't have set him up with a married one!!I hate it, he is acting like you didn't even exist, he's "sooo happy" and its "like a fairytale" he's not said anything about you or how he feels, is it not normal to feel guilty or at least a bit weird?? But nooooo....he's just mr fucking happy!! He can't wait to tell me about it or boast about all the texts he gets, I don't want to know. I want him to love you and only you!! I know that's really selfish and I do want him to be happy but not yet and not with her, not when he is breaking up a marriage, what about her kids?? You can't be happy about this, can you?? I would do anything to talk to you about it all. I want some reassurance that this doesn't mean our old life meant nothing and that everything you had was important!! He's not dealing with it very well, he's talking to bloody everybody, why talk to Rachel park before me??? I'm so scared she is going to mention it tonight, and that's another thing, tonight we are going to your house for curry and to 'remember' you and I just don't know if that's what I want to do. I want to stop time and remember you for ages and have more time to get used to the idea that you have gone. Paul was really upset with dad, he didn't talk to him for 3 days, he's come round now, he was on the phone last night telling me how I should understand and support dad. I love Paul, he is so mature and like you, you would be so proud of the way he has grown up and the way he treats Claire and stuff, cant believe you never met her, shes lovely.
Well I have to go, I have booked a smear test, figured that today would be crap regardless so might as well bunch all the crap stuff together!!
I love you mum, and I miss you so much!!
xxxxxxxxxxx


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I'm a loser!

OMG I am such a loser mum!! James has gone to visit his brother, he got an extra ticket for rugby and I made such a fuss him going and now i feel physically ill because he is not here :( it's ridiculous, I have Nic and Rick and Jordan coming over and it will be lovely, and I'm knackered so it will be nice to have a good lie in on my own and he's back tomorrow!!! I have no idea what is wrong with me, I want him to have fun and we should have our own lives but I am just missing him so much and want a cuddle, I think we should do it more so that I get used to it!! I don't know what is going on!!
I should be working now but I have had a rubbish 'you' day today. I wanted to call you about 4 times, I was in the park and you would have loved it and then I saw a shop in town, its only just opened in the bottom of st georges and they sell discounted pilgrim jewellery, they had some gorgeous stuff in!!! It's all new stock and they had like 4 cases of it, it was all I could do to not burst into tears when I was in there. I saw it and went in thinking that I could pick you up a christmas present and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I should know!! It's been nearly a year now and it still hits me and leaves me breathless when I remember you have gone and I'm never going to see you again or talk to you again or be able to buy you an awesome present or give you a hug. I'm so scared of loosing everyone else, that's why in think inhale gone mad. I'm terrified of losing James, like him leaving me or more that he might die!! I felt loads better when he got the train today instead of driving, he is a terrible driver (I know I can't talk) and I felt better that he would be safer on the train!! He is so great about it, he had coffee with me this morning and was the sweetest boy ever, I'm still terrible to him though, I make him feel guilty and I know I'm doing it, I don't mean to but I cant help it, I'm just scared, such an idiot!!!
I love you mum, wish I could tell you!!
Love you millions.xxxxxxxx


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Heylo

Evening mum,
Hope your doing ok, so much to talk to you about I just don't know where to start. Things are generally ok, lots of stupid things getting me down and doing my head in. Wish I could pick up the phone about 20 times a day at the moment, nothing feels easy or simple or good today. My MA is actually killing me, I spend more time moaning about it than just doing it because I can't get my head round it, and I failed my teaching toolkit second assignment which has knocked my confidence so much!! I just don't thicken I can do it, no matter how interested or exciting I find it, I just can't do it. I feel like I'm letting myself down and everyone else, especially you!! I'm sorry mummy. Work is so hard and I'm doing terribly at everything because there aren't enough hours in the day :( I'm so tired and worried about everything. Dad is ok, he had a date today, he didn't go in the end, I wanted to be ok, but I don't like you being replaced, you've only been gone a year, I know that's not how he meant it but thats a little bit how it felt....I don't know how Paul felt about it. He's still on Prozac though and he says he's not sleeping and he's not gone back to work so how can he be thinking about dating??
He has finally got little gran into Alston lodge though, she's so much better off in there, she is properly mental though!! It makes me sad, you were always proud of me for being so good to her and taking her shopping and stuff and the last weekend was the first time I have seen her in about 6 months. I feel like you would have been so disappointed. Big gran is sooo poorly too, and I don't know what to do to make it better, you would have gone up to the doctors with her or something but I don't know what to do...
I feel soooo guilty about the james thing too, I know that it was ages ago and it doesn't even bother him anymore but it matters to me, I was only 19 and didn't know what I wanted, I know now that it's him. I love I'm so much, he is so wonderful, when I had a hangover on Monday he brought me a hangover kit, with magazines and lucozade and crisps and things, it was perfect :)
I feel really anxious and I cant pinpoint why, I thought telling you everything would make me feel better but it hasn't :( I think its mainly worrying about my MA, or maybe its just everything all at once, making me feel shit!!
Mum, I miss you, I wish you were here to talk to, we have had Aliyah for a couple of days and it makes me realise how hard it is going to be if we have our own, she had a temper tantrum and I had no idea what to do, it makes me get angry and I know that's the wrong way to deal with her but I don't know what the right way is and I want you to tell me and make it easy. Or who am I supposed to ring when I want to thrown the child down the stairs?? Like you did!! If you can't do it right all the time then how the hell an I supposed to??
I've given up with Kat, I'm pretty sure that you would agree with me, ive given it my best shot and if I haven't then I don't know what else I should do...I'd give anything to ask you in person but i'm going to assume that you would agree because that makes it easier for me, lol :p she js just plain weird, cant believe she has been married a year, seems like a year has gone very quickly, I can't believe it has been a year since I lost you nearly, you did go at an inconvenient time, it will be freshers week so I might just be too busy to think about it. I can remember the last one like it was yesterday, I just went because I didn't know what else to do with myself, I cried in the middle of it and went to meetings and stuff, it was just weird, then James took me home and I felt numb, I wanted to hug you and talk to you and felt, well feel, absolutely awful for not staying over, I know I should have. I was scared of it, it might have been better not to be there to be honest Im not sure I could have coped. Oh mum, come back please. I miss you, I need you, I miss you more now than I did the day after you went and I think I'm going to miss you more everyday in the future, I needed you for more years now, I wasn't ready for you to go, you should have been old and doddery before you left me.
Mummy I love you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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