Not coping

Mummy,
I am so sorry!!
I am not coping with this. Even a little bit. I can't cope with dad replacing you. I don't even feel like your really gone yet so how can he want to get another woman??? I have rung your mobile at least 6 times over Christmas. Either to tell you stuff or just talk, your voicemail has gone. Its just a no number, not you anymore.
I can't talk to anyone. I tried to talk to james and he told me I have grieved for you and to stop talking about it. He hates me now. He's right. I'm so terrible. I'm treating him so badly, I want to yell at dad or cry at you or stab that bitch Sue! I don't want to be here. I want to be gone. I spend every day and night feeling so guilty, I know it's my fault your dead, I know that if I didn't stress you out so much you would be here. I'm so sorry mum, I would do anything to be a better person for you. I should focus on being a better person for James, he is wonderful. I'm awful to him, I shout at him so he will make up with me, or so I can shout at someone or just jpto get a response. He is going to leave me soon. I deserve it.
I'm letting you down even more.
I'm sorry


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Location:Home

Twice in one day!!

Hello!!
Check me out, I don't write for ages then I do it twice on my birthday, you'd think I'd have better things to do!! I don't, james is just cooking me chicken katsu curry for my tea :)
I wanted to tell you that I met Sue, she's awful!! She looks so, so, so old!! She is completely different from you, she's so common and horrible, she hugged me when she walked in, took me totally off guard and made me feel dead uncomfortable and then she kept touching dad!! Really weird, she doesn't take any care of herself, she was wearing old person clothes and she doesnt have a hair style, just a load of hair!! I can't believe dad has gone so far downhill, I said to James that she is in a different league to you and he said she's not playing the same game!! I don't know what dad gets out of it, she's gets your house and your money and my dad and treated well and dad gets nothing. I didn't think i was going to like her but I didn't think she would be this bad!! I can't believe he brought her round on my birthday!! I don't know what to say to him, I know he's going to ask what I think and I'm going to have to lie, I can't says she's awful!!! AND. O have agreed go go to London with her!! OMG, I can't believe it!! And what are her kids going to be like, they are going to be horrible, so not my type of people!! And they are going to be living in your house!!
Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!
On another weird note, Kat sent me a 'happy birthday' text! Thought she had nothing to say to me ?!?!? She's a weird one!!xxxx


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:In front of the fire