Heylo lovely mum!!
God I miss you, I hate how much I still do, just woke up from the most mundane dream of planning your birthday meal with you over Facebook chat (through dads Facebook obviously) and it's just horrible. I loved doing that with you.
Things are going well, I passed my MA!!!!!!!!!! So proud, I know you would be amazingly proud!! I never even used those extenuating circumstances we talked about, I just did it. It was hard and challenging but I got there, I can't believe I did!!!
I think I already told you I'm pregnant, I've had a million conversations with you in my head about it anyway!!! It's going fine, I had a scan at 6 weeks because I was bleeding but everything was fine, dads found my cot for me, I can't believe you kept it all this time. Thank you. grandma S has been irritating, after being asked to tell no one i found out she told Jean with the red lips, Anne (?) and sone woman who makes cakes and gran p, who told all the pickups and quirks who are lovely but I would have preferred didn't know!!
Dads still going on about money all the time, I said I didn't understand how Sue had earned 25% of the house, I don't to be honest but what can I do, it's up to him.
PJ's not doing great, Claire still lives up here and he's not the happiest, he's doing fine but he just loves her and wants her back!!
Oh mum, everything would just be a bit better if you hadn't died, I love you millions and billions!!!xxxxxxx
Monday, October 10, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
2 years
Hello,
So it's been 2 years since you left us. It's gone quickly and slowly at the same time. Still miss you more than ever, so much has happened that you should have been here to share, so much that we needed your advice for and your guidance. We've managed though, we always will. Things are good here, I'm fine, being pregnant is weird but wonderful, can't wait to be a mum like you.
I'm going to go to your stone today i think, although I realise you would probably prefer us to remember you in any way other than crying at a rock for you. Therese said that's because your not really there, she's right but your not really anywhere...I love you.
Miss you.
Jen.xxxxx
So it's been 2 years since you left us. It's gone quickly and slowly at the same time. Still miss you more than ever, so much has happened that you should have been here to share, so much that we needed your advice for and your guidance. We've managed though, we always will. Things are good here, I'm fine, being pregnant is weird but wonderful, can't wait to be a mum like you.
I'm going to go to your stone today i think, although I realise you would probably prefer us to remember you in any way other than crying at a rock for you. Therese said that's because your not really there, she's right but your not really anywhere...I love you.
Miss you.
Jen.xxxxx
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Big news
Hey mum,
Hope your ok, well I'm sure you already know but I'm pregnant!! I'm quite terrified, I dread to think what you would say if you were here!!I am happy and I adore Jam, he is soooo happy about it. I've to,d work and stuff, dad didn't really know what to say, and sue sent me a really sweet text. Gran didn't seem very excited, i don't know if it had sank in, it hasn't with me. Its very surreal and I haven't got my head round the idea of a little baby living with me and depending on me and everything!! This is it now, forever!!
Eeeep, mum, I'm scared, j hope I can cope, I'm sure I can. I need to not be a drama and just take it all in my stride!
I love you millions, hope your happy.
Xxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Hope your ok, well I'm sure you already know but I'm pregnant!! I'm quite terrified, I dread to think what you would say if you were here!!I am happy and I adore Jam, he is soooo happy about it. I've to,d work and stuff, dad didn't really know what to say, and sue sent me a really sweet text. Gran didn't seem very excited, i don't know if it had sank in, it hasn't with me. Its very surreal and I haven't got my head round the idea of a little baby living with me and depending on me and everything!! This is it now, forever!!
Eeeep, mum, I'm scared, j hope I can cope, I'm sure I can. I need to not be a drama and just take it all in my stride!
I love you millions, hope your happy.
Xxx
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Sunday, September 4, 2011
Hey
Heylo,
Hope your ok.
I'm fed up, it's stupid I'm sure but I'm quite fed up of my lack of friends. the stupid Leyland 6 are always together. I can't be bothered with them, they are so bitchy and backstabby but at least they have each other. I only seem to have amanda and James and rick. And to be honest I don't want to do anything anyway, I just want to sit in the house and curl up, I'm really down, I thunk it's partly to do with you, partly to do with being burgled and partly because I'm mainly a loser.
Probably just having an off day, had a fight with jam, all my fault obviously and I just feel a bit unhappy!!
Everything really is good, I am pretty happy, work is going well and jam is (normally) wonderful.
I miss you, more than anything you are wonderful and I think you going has affected me more than I ever want to say :(
Love you millions.xxxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Hope your ok.
I'm fed up, it's stupid I'm sure but I'm quite fed up of my lack of friends. the stupid Leyland 6 are always together. I can't be bothered with them, they are so bitchy and backstabby but at least they have each other. I only seem to have amanda and James and rick. And to be honest I don't want to do anything anyway, I just want to sit in the house and curl up, I'm really down, I thunk it's partly to do with you, partly to do with being burgled and partly because I'm mainly a loser.
Probably just having an off day, had a fight with jam, all my fault obviously and I just feel a bit unhappy!!
Everything really is good, I am pretty happy, work is going well and jam is (normally) wonderful.
I miss you, more than anything you are wonderful and I think you going has affected me more than I ever want to say :(
Love you millions.xxxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Glasses!!
Morning mum,
Hope your ok.
I bought new glasses, I pick them up tomorrow :) I got black ones and blue ones (woop for buy one get one free at specsavers). I think you would like them, I didn't want to choose them without you :( rick helped me in the end. More annoyed I have to pay for them myself though really lol!! It's weird, I'm getting to the end of all the 'first' things I have to do without you, obviously there is still baby stuff though. I don't know whether I'm happy or sad about it, it just means you have been gone longer but I'm glad I can actually do all the stuff I was terrified to do, like choosing glasses or going to DUK or buying mascara. They probably seem really insignificant to other people but it's stuff I was banking on having you around for, at least for a bit longer.
Had amanda and Chris over last night, me and amanda can talk for hours an the boys wanted to go to bed, it's nice having friends like that, they make me happy :) Chris is cool, he can email me now for a lift and stuff, it's likewe are proper friends, I told amanda about the 'my kids not having any relatives so let's talk to clare' situation and she said that they will have aunty amanda and uncle Chris and C and Phil said the same as did Rick and Jordan, although I don't think rick will know what to do. Lol.
Lots to tell you but I'm off on a bike ride so I'll write later.
Love you millions.
Xxxxx
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Hope your ok.
I bought new glasses, I pick them up tomorrow :) I got black ones and blue ones (woop for buy one get one free at specsavers). I think you would like them, I didn't want to choose them without you :( rick helped me in the end. More annoyed I have to pay for them myself though really lol!! It's weird, I'm getting to the end of all the 'first' things I have to do without you, obviously there is still baby stuff though. I don't know whether I'm happy or sad about it, it just means you have been gone longer but I'm glad I can actually do all the stuff I was terrified to do, like choosing glasses or going to DUK or buying mascara. They probably seem really insignificant to other people but it's stuff I was banking on having you around for, at least for a bit longer.
Had amanda and Chris over last night, me and amanda can talk for hours an the boys wanted to go to bed, it's nice having friends like that, they make me happy :) Chris is cool, he can email me now for a lift and stuff, it's likewe are proper friends, I told amanda about the 'my kids not having any relatives so let's talk to clare' situation and she said that they will have aunty amanda and uncle Chris and C and Phil said the same as did Rick and Jordan, although I don't think rick will know what to do. Lol.
Lots to tell you but I'm off on a bike ride so I'll write later.
Love you millions.
Xxxxx
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Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Night before...
I wrote this on 31st May but couldnt publish it :(
Hey mum,
Hope your ok.
I'm writing from James mums spare room in cyprus. Tomorrow I get married and become Jenny Lamb.
I am so happy and so excited about it, the only thing stopping me being totally happy is that your not here. It's horrible doing these things without you. If I'm honest I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I have been awful to Jam. But more than that I killed you. I know you would have been better if I didn't upset you so much, jam says it's the cancer that killed you and he's probably right but you would have been here for longer if I didn't make you stressed. I know you would say I'm being silly and that your proud of me and you love me millions but we both know I could have been a better daughter and a better girlfriend, I want you to know that I am sorry, I know you wouldn't approve of me doing it this way but I couldn't have planned it without you, I wish dad was here but I couldn't have asked him to be. Plus he is a bit wrapped up in stuff. Gran is being awesome.
I think I need to sort myself out, I need to accept that I could have been a better daughter and girlfriend but I can be the best wife and mother. I can be as good as you as a mother, I know I can. I will think about you the whole time, what would you have done or said. I'm turning into more like you now mum, I'm a workaholic and I care about the same things as you, you were better looking and more fashionable and better at your job and everything but I am no going to try and live in your shadow anymore, I don't need to live up to you, I couldn't if I wanted to but I can be my own happy person who deserves happiness and excitement . Grandad said Jam is a 'grand lad' praise indeed!! I know you would love the man he is now, I'm proud as hell to be marrying him, and he seems so surprised I am marrying him, I don't really get that though.
I wish you were going to be there tomorrow, Outshining Linda in every way but your not, I can't change that but I hope you are there really. I hope you are looking at me and watching me and thinking I look nice, I think you would like the outfit, I do. Its not over the top. And I hope you don't mind Vicky gave me the horseshoe you gave her on her wedding day to me, I can think it is from you, I know you would have bought one.
Mum, I can't accept you are gone, all the bad feelings I feel about everything are distractions so I don't have to deal with the incredible guilt I feel about you dying. I miss you more than I can ever write, and you will be in my mind all day tomorrow and for the rest of my life. But I am saying goodbye to you as Jenny Pickup, don't think that means I will ever forget that I am a Pickup and a Skilbeck but it's time for me to be me, To be Jenny Lamb and let myself be all the things I want and know I can be. I hope your not to disappointed, I am going to believe your not, that your happy and that you wish it was you making bucks fizz for breakfast and telling me how beautiful I look. I will imagine you are.
I love you mum, more than anything in the world.
Love you millions. xxxxxxxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Hey mum,
Hope your ok.
I'm writing from James mums spare room in cyprus. Tomorrow I get married and become Jenny Lamb.
I am so happy and so excited about it, the only thing stopping me being totally happy is that your not here. It's horrible doing these things without you. If I'm honest I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I have been awful to Jam. But more than that I killed you. I know you would have been better if I didn't upset you so much, jam says it's the cancer that killed you and he's probably right but you would have been here for longer if I didn't make you stressed. I know you would say I'm being silly and that your proud of me and you love me millions but we both know I could have been a better daughter and a better girlfriend, I want you to know that I am sorry, I know you wouldn't approve of me doing it this way but I couldn't have planned it without you, I wish dad was here but I couldn't have asked him to be. Plus he is a bit wrapped up in stuff. Gran is being awesome.
I think I need to sort myself out, I need to accept that I could have been a better daughter and girlfriend but I can be the best wife and mother. I can be as good as you as a mother, I know I can. I will think about you the whole time, what would you have done or said. I'm turning into more like you now mum, I'm a workaholic and I care about the same things as you, you were better looking and more fashionable and better at your job and everything but I am no going to try and live in your shadow anymore, I don't need to live up to you, I couldn't if I wanted to but I can be my own happy person who deserves happiness and excitement . Grandad said Jam is a 'grand lad' praise indeed!! I know you would love the man he is now, I'm proud as hell to be marrying him, and he seems so surprised I am marrying him, I don't really get that though.
I wish you were going to be there tomorrow, Outshining Linda in every way but your not, I can't change that but I hope you are there really. I hope you are looking at me and watching me and thinking I look nice, I think you would like the outfit, I do. Its not over the top. And I hope you don't mind Vicky gave me the horseshoe you gave her on her wedding day to me, I can think it is from you, I know you would have bought one.
Mum, I can't accept you are gone, all the bad feelings I feel about everything are distractions so I don't have to deal with the incredible guilt I feel about you dying. I miss you more than I can ever write, and you will be in my mind all day tomorrow and for the rest of my life. But I am saying goodbye to you as Jenny Pickup, don't think that means I will ever forget that I am a Pickup and a Skilbeck but it's time for me to be me, To be Jenny Lamb and let myself be all the things I want and know I can be. I hope your not to disappointed, I am going to believe your not, that your happy and that you wish it was you making bucks fizz for breakfast and telling me how beautiful I look. I will imagine you are.
I love you mum, more than anything in the world.
Love you millions. xxxxxxxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Hey
Hey,
I know ive not written in ages. I just wanted to let you know I love you and miss you, I'm enjoying being married and everything is just fine :)
I really miss you mum, I think it's getting harder some how, the times between the feeling shit are getting longer but the feeling shit is getting worse.
I can't sleep very well at the moment, I had a really vivid dream about you last night, we were emptying the bins at Hesketh road, I was fetching the little ones and you had the big one to put it into but you weren't acknowledging me, I don't know whether you couldn't or you wouldn't but I woke up feeling terrible. I don't know what that means or if It means anything, I wish you would talk to me in dreams or I would have the chance to tell you how great you are.
I love you mum, your the bestest person I could ever hope to know, I hope I'm making you proud.xxxxxxxxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I know ive not written in ages. I just wanted to let you know I love you and miss you, I'm enjoying being married and everything is just fine :)
I really miss you mum, I think it's getting harder some how, the times between the feeling shit are getting longer but the feeling shit is getting worse.
I can't sleep very well at the moment, I had a really vivid dream about you last night, we were emptying the bins at Hesketh road, I was fetching the little ones and you had the big one to put it into but you weren't acknowledging me, I don't know whether you couldn't or you wouldn't but I woke up feeling terrible. I don't know what that means or if It means anything, I wish you would talk to me in dreams or I would have the chance to tell you how great you are.
I love you mum, your the bestest person I could ever hope to know, I hope I'm making you proud.xxxxxxxxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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