I don't know how to cope with this, I feel angry inside, I'm mad at you for leaving and I'm mad at ricks brother for going and making me relive it, I want to do everything and it just means I'm mean ton james, it's not his fault and then I feel more mad at myself for pushing him away but I don't know how ton explain how I feel, or if I try and talk to him he freaks out, so it's easier to be mad than think about why I'm actually feeling crappy. I want all this feeling to gonaway, I don't like it, but even I can see why James says I must like it, it seems like I make excuses to be mad at stuff, its only escapism, Its only a way to deal wih emotion without dealing with the right emotions. I'm so devastated. I just want to curl up in a little ball and make my life go away and no one understands that. I want to not be worried and not be upset. I want to make everyone happy without feeling like I have to buy them thi gs or go out of my way to do things I don't want to do to make them like me. I want to know that James won't leave or that he just loves me. I know its my own fault and that i push him away but i feel like if i push and push and make it worse than last time he might stay and then Ill know, but he doesn't, he walks out, then i feel stupid for pushing him. I don't know how to deal with you mum, i fel so guilty and so awful and i miss you so much, at least ive not stolen money to commit suicide in peace or gone off work for years.
Gtg

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